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(b) …or a film

(c) …or a book

(d) bought a pirate video

(e) …or a fake designer watch

(f) …or a fake designer handbag

(g) …or fake designer clothes

(h) …or contraband cigarettes

(i) …or contraband alcohol

Now we’ll examine your general moral outlook. In all subsequent questions, score 0 points for each (a) answer, 5 points for each (b) answer, and 10 points for each (c) answer.

2. Which of the following statements comes closest to your attitude towards fake designer products?

(a) They’re essentially a form of theft, a criminal attempt to profit from other people’s hard work

(b) Well, I can see that fakes are wrong, in theory, but it’s the posh brands’ fault for making their products so expensive – and it’s quite fun to outwit them

(c) I feel great! Only an idiot buys overpriced designer tat when the fakes are a 10th of the price

3. Do you ever tell lies?

(a) No. I always do my best to tell the truth at all times

(b) Well, we all tell white lies from time to time, to avoid hurting other people’s feelings

(c) I make Pinocchio, Matilda and Tony Blair look like beginners. And by the way, the people who answered (a) or (b) were lying

4. Have you ever used any form of deceit to help you get what you wanted: for example, a job, a place at university, a sporting decision or a lover?

(a) Absolutely not. How could I take satisfaction in any achievement if I’d known I’d cheated to get it?

(b) Maybe I’ve exaggerated my exam grades a bit on my CV, and I always keep my age a secret. But I think I’m an honest person, by and large

(c) I’ll do whatever I have to, to get what I want. And if other people fall for it, that’s just their fault for being such suckers

5. A friend admits, with a conspiratorial giggle, that she bought her new Prada bag for £100 from a fake goods’ shop in Turkey this summer. Do you:

(a) Say that you’re sorry to have to criticise a friend, but she’s helping to support a global piracy network and hurting honest businesses

(b) Admire the bag, admit that you really can’t tell the difference and say how clever she is for finding such a high-quality copy

(c) Tell her she’s overpaid – you know a geezer in south London who knocks out Prada bags for 20 sovs, “and they’re the real thing, off the back of a lorry”?

6. You have friends round for dinner but don’t have time to prepare your own dishes, and so buy it ready-made from M&S. Do you:

(a) Admit the boeuf bourgignon comes straight from the microwave and hope that everyone understands

(b) Decant the stew into a really nice dish, say nothing and hope no one notices

(c) Wait until someone says how delicious it is and then go into a detailed description of how you spent hours sourcing and cooking the ingredients?

7. When you see one of those anti-piracy adverts at the cinema or at the beginning of a DVD, what do you think?

(a) I’m totally anti-piracy. If studios can’t make money from their films, they won’t stay in business and the film industry will die

(b) I can see that piracy is technically illegal. But buying a dodgy DVD is hardly a proper crime. It’s not like stealing a car, or mugging an old lady, is it?

(c) I’m sick of those ads. It’s just a bunch of massive corporations and overpaid movie stars whining because they’re not making even more money. If I can get a DVD for a couple of quid off a market stall, why pay a fortune in a shop?

8. The television nutritionist and author Gillian McKeith was revealed to have obtained her supposed nutritional qualifications from a non-accredited institution, and was barred by the Advertising Standards Authority from using the term 'Dr’ in advertisements for her work. With which of the following statements do you agree?

(a) This is a disgrace. It’s quite wrong for anyone to exaggerate their qualifications and shocking that viewers and readers have been misled

(b) People should be honest about their qualifications – but we don’t have the right to judge other people, and it’s not as if anyone’s been hurt

(c) Look, this is television. It’s all just hype and nonsense. So the whole idea of 'the truth’ is completely irrelevant – a total non-issue

9. A British prime minister gets up in front of Parliament and makes a fake case for war on the basis of weapons of mass destruction that do not, in fact, exist. At least 150,000 people die as a result of the ensuing conflict. Is this:

(a) One of the most disgraceful acts of deceit in British political history, one that should have resulted in the trial of the prime minister and his closest associates

(b) An unfortunate event, but I’m sure that the PM believed that the WMDs were really there. And the war wasn’t all bad: we got rid of an evil dictator

(c) Real life. National leaders have to make tough decisions. They have to give orders that lead to soldiers and civilians dying. Complain if you like, but that won’t ever change?

10. A silicone question for women: would you ever fake your figure by having breast implants for purely cosmetic reasons?

(a) Never, under any circumstances. I’m happy to make the best of what Mother Nature gave me

(b) I have to admit I have been tempted, but they cost a lot and there is a medical risk. Besides, my partner likes me as I am

(c) Would I? Sweetie, I’ve got a couple of Spacehoppers under my jumper that make Katie Price look

flat-chested

11. A tonsorial teaser for men: if you found yourself getting thin on top, would you ever have a hair transplant or wear a hairpiece?

(a) You must be joking. Only someone pathetically vain and insecure would bother with anything so ridiculous. I’m perfectly happy as I am

(b) People say they’d never think about a transplant, but show me a man who’s not bothered when he first discovers he’s losing his hair and I’ll show you a liar

(c) I’ve already done it. I had a transplant from the same surgeon who did Wayne Rooney. Now I look years younger, feel better. What’s the problem?

12. Would you ever buy medicines from online pharmacies claiming to sell brand-name drugs at rock-bottom prices?

(a) Never. These sites are obviously dodgy. You can’t trust the quality or the safety of the stuff they’re selling, and they’re harming the legitimate makers of prescription drugs

(b) I wouldn’t want to, but NHS prescription charges are expensive these days, so if I needed to save money, I might look online

(c) I get everything I need online and have not had any problems. Viagra costs a fortune from a chemist. I can get 50 blue pills online for £25 and I’ve not had any complaints, if you know what I mean

13. You are given £1,000 to spend on clothes. Do you:

(a) Spend it all on a single, top-quality garment that would last you years, such as a classically elegant dress or a really well-tailored suit

(b) Go to a cheaper shop where you can get copies of the very latest styles for a fraction of the price and fill your wardrobe with fun clothes

(c) Spend £100 on fake gear, say it was the real stuff that cost a grand – then pocket the leftover £900?

14. Finally, having answered all the questions, how would you describe yourself?

(a) I’m an honest, law-abiding person. I’m not perfect, but my conscience is clear

(b) I try my best to be a decent human being, but this is a tough world and times have been hard. Saving money matters more to me than saving the world

(c) I’m a realist Everyone is looking out for number one, whatever they might say. The only difference is, I don’t mind admitting it

How did you score?

0 – 50 points

Sound as a pound. You’re either a thoroughly decent, trustworthy, law-abiding citizen. Unless, of course, you’re an ocean-going, weapons-grade hypocrite. Only you and your conscience know.

51 – 100 points

Plastic not-so fantastic. You mean well, but you’re far from perfect, so you do tell the odd lie and buy the odd fake. In other words, you’re a normal, fallible human being.

More than 100 points

As dodgy as a nine-bob note. You’re cynical, ruthless and amoral. Your heroes are called Corleone and Soprano. You’re unashamedly a crook. So you might just be the most honest person here.